Sophia Pierre | Writing

My name is La Loba

The man I loved is a sandcastle:

I kept trying to put him

Back together as if

I didn’t know the tide would come

Right back in to wash away all

My patchwork.

It’s a disease as indomitable as the ocean.

The only chance I had at building

Myself back up again was to

Let the water wash over us

Both and wait to see what remained in its

Wake.

There are legions of wolves at the door.

As I finally start to get my life

Back I’m scared that whoever comes

Next will try and take it

Away again.

Surrender is not an option.

For nobody else’s honour than my own

I cannot let anyone ever try to tell me

Where I can go or

Who I may go there with

Without questioning my intentions or

Slandering my name.

For that is no one else’s name but mine

And who will protect it

If not I?

$corpios_have_feelingz_2

I whore myself out for

Cornsyrup

Mix with red dye number two and shoot up

My veins with the blood that got spilled out

By a circadian rhythm that

forgot

The moon and the tides and nature’s

Clock

Would you guess there’s an undead

Living on your block?

Sitting next to you in class

Or on the train?

Why am I always so goddamn hungry?

WHY AM I ALWAYS SO GODDAMN HUNGRY

Imagine a popped cherry.

AGONIZE over it’s pain.

Watch the lifeblood spill out from

The ruptured, taught skin

And it’s sinewy, pulpy flesh and

Veins.

Delicious isn’t it.

Another creature’s pain.

Or, your own’s.

Just as sweet:

To you it tastes just the same.

“You fucking sadist.

Have you no shame?”

There’s never really been a choice in the matter

Destiny served on a silver platter

Blood splatters

Cutlery clatters

What’s the matter?

Feelings wrapped up and fried in batter

I feed them back to myself

And say “Never been better!”

Every now and then they catch me rEELING

“Don’t you ever grow tired of all these fEELINGS??”

This attention whore thinks she’s afraid of being revealing

No.

I want you to know

I WANT you to know

I WANT YOU TO KNOW

And you bet your ass I know it shows.

But I just can’t seem to bear to say

Or to let you look me in the eyes

See me a different way.

It’s what they call a fateful day

All the times you were a coward

Made the mistake to stay.

And now when there’s something to stick around for

You’ll be gone.

Finally you’re understood

Finally you’re loved

Guaranteed by the fact that

In return there’s nothing from you that they want.

Love that is not testing,

Does not demand to be earned.

“IT WAS NEVER THAT WAY

WE LOVED YOU JUST THE SAME”

and i KNOW THAT YOU MEAN IT

so WHY don’t i

beLIEVE it.

It’s like they love me against my will

“Just swallow the Goddamn pill”

Soon enough she’ll have her fill

When all hopes are dashed

Finally it all grows still

My self-induced insomnia keeps me “chill”

“Soph are you high?”

No, I’m just exhausted as can be.

“Sophie, are you ill”

No, I’m just at peace.

“Optimize your time”

“Relax, you’ll be fine”

There’s only one coin,

Pick a Goddamn side.

You just want to be loved?

YOU ARE! LOVED.

But I have to at least TRY to be perfect

Because that’s how THEY earned it

And I want to be worth it.

I just want to be worth it.

I want to deserve it.

But what would happen

If I stopped trying to earn it.

What would happen if I just WAS.

Or if I was worse,

If I did what I want.

At first I was scared that they’d love me

Just the same.

The thought of them loving me

anyways

Brought me pain

And then it got worse

I thought “maybe they won’t”

Maybe one day

Enough is enough.

If they knew the mistakes

I’d already made

If that’s all it was

Maybe it’d all stay the same.

But if they knew it all happened TO me

I let people walk right THROUGH me.

Survival of the fittest?

More: Persistence of the meekest.

Patience is a virtue.

But, this? was just lazy.

This was masochistic:

Egoistic-monastic crazy.

Wednesday, November 14th, 2018.

It’s your 19th birthday.

Everyone asks “Sophie why are you here?”

And “Seriously, you worked a double shift?”

“WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE??”

Every year I try to make it worse than the

Last

Shitty birthdays equals adulthood, right?

So just how shitty can they get?

I DID NOT CONSENT.

I

DID NOT

CONSENT.

It was just a kiss (but twice.)

But at work?

I expected

Some goddamn respect.

To this day

I’M ANGRY

Because I did not decide,

To leave my place of work

Because it was time..

I left because I no longer felt safe

In a place I loved

A place I’d earned the respect

That eventually he stole.

I

AM

ANGRY

“Are you going to do something about it?”

No, I don’t think so.

Not really.

“So are you truly that angry??”

YES BITCH I’M FUCKING

REELING?

IS THIS REVEALING?

Too much?

Not enough?

“Screw feeling.”

I never seem to get to decide.

Just lay down to be victimized

Did I just slip through the cracks of genocide?

Is it ONLY fears passed down

Genetic lines?

I wouldn’t know.

That line was cut.

But I’m lucky to have the loved ones that I’ve got.

Even if they love me away, ‘til I rot.

Even if to all their survival

Compare,

I cannot.

This is ALL

Our loads to

Bear.

You know what they say,

Life’s

not

fair.

I don’t deserve to win.

But I’ll do it for them.

There.

SOUTH SHORE LINE

When I get on the train

My Throat burns

And my chest feels pressed down

By a monolithic weight.

The sweat stops dripping.

Just rests in place

Like a caramel glaze.

I pull air in like a thin

Cord down my throat

And push out a slow,

Thick cloud.

Three rests.

Then again with the

Cord and the Cloud

Five minutes

And I don’t have to think

About it while I

Do it

All the while

I smile

Like a kid.

So hard

My jaw pulses and my

Eyebrows are pinned to my

Hairline.

I slip

Into a lounge that thieves

The neighbouring seat

And tilt my head

Against a window that

Hits my temple as if

I was

Dropped

From six feet

And dropped

Again

Like a ping

Pong

Ball

But I don’t care.

I don’t care because

In a few minutes

It finds a

Rhythm

And the rhythm

Matches the

Passing of the

Tracks,

Of giant memoirs

From the agricultural-industrial

Age,

Of stores tip-

Toeing a line between

Somewhere and

Nowhere,

Of homes beat down by

Time:

Wind and Rain,

Wood eaten out and

Curled in the

Dirt,

Fences

Flags

Trailers

Posts and Cords.

All torn.

All their hurt has turned

You to stone.

And you remember you

Can’t feel

Your legs

And now there’s the

Crook

In your

Neck

All that hurt

And all you want is to seep

Further.

You drown in it because

Of the purple that

Soaks the

Sky and

Licks every surface across the

Intermittent landscape.

You and the wildflowers that

Trickle and

Trail the tracks are

Awash in its

Glow.

You and the Wildflowers

Sink so

Deep in that purple sky that your

Lids begin to

Bear

That monolithic

Weight and

By the time you’ve

Broken the surface again the

Beating

Windowpane has

Frozen still.

The night has

Snuffed out your

Purple sky.

But it left you the

Stars and

Your ride is

Here.

GOO

I don't hate you

I'd just hate to

Have to tell you

That I love you

Because I know that it's

A waste of time

Cause I'm a waste of space

And of life

Whereas you defy

Any natural cause

Of being without any flaws

And I condemn myself

For having been

Dreaming of something

So perfect

Despite knowing before

That love's a chore

Cause it's never returned

And they call you a bore or a

Whore

And I deplore

The bloody gore

Watching bile and blood

And tears flood

The gladiator ring

When the champion smiles harder

And her laugh is heard farther

And god she's such a fuckin charmer

Why can't they see through the armour

To the phony that quivers inside

Fumbling for the affirmation to keep on trying

Just to love

And to be loved

Like me I guess she's just a

Wounded dove

Innocent and pure

Fighting for

A chance to look into her shield

And see her own reflection reveal

That the outside, the facade

We can see it's a mirage

And that feeling that she has

That she's just a husk

Of the person she once was

Certainly I know that one

I know it well

You know it too

When your guts turn to goo

And slip out every gap in you

And you try to catch it

But there's just too much

To hold onto

So you let it slip

And now it's gone

Oozing everywhere

And your left alone with

Just the shell that

Held it all

You reach in for something to

Grasp on to

But there's nothing left in you

So you slump to the floor

You're the one that begged

For more

Even though you knew it's

Not worth fighting for

And look at what you're

Left with

Now